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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
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|Monday, May 10th, 2010|
|Thursday, August 6th, 2009|
|Wednesday, June 17th, 2009|
Allright, I have no ride for AC it seems.
Anyone else leavin thursday? Current Mood: blank
|Tuesday, June 16th, 2009|
|work in less than 2 hours
Fuck...still couldn't sleep tonight. Got work soon. Gonna hafta run on caffeine, nicotine, and guarana again. My blood pressure must be high as hell
|Monday, June 15th, 2009|
ahh nothing quite like a ton of alcohol, smokes, and some tf2 to make ya forget your sorrows, if even for just a few moments
|Friday, June 12th, 2009|
Seems to just keep on happening, each night I simply cannot sleep. And yet all day I just stay in my room, sleep, and smoke till I am sick. I'm just wallowing in my own self pity, I just cannot seem to find happiness right now. Sure I can be entertained and distracted, but beyond that on the inside I'm miserable as all hell. The truth of why I am is something so foolish, That I'm still not willing to speak about it.
Overall I just want to find a solution to these feelings, and why I am having them. Hell, I've even started to doubt my desires in going to AC. I hate using a facade but lately I've been hiding behind it far too much. I just need to get these off my chest, and yet by speaking about it, it doesn't do me any good.
Christ, maybe I could use some anti-depressants or something. These days just go on and on, me sitting and contemplating my next move, smoking another cigarette, damn near chewing these things down now.
And some who would want to drag me out of this house and take me out, I do not desire that either, I think I've just finally broken down, completely out of it. I do want to smile again without having to hide behind it. I do want to laugh, even though right now they all feel as hollow as me.
I'm not one to write emo posts, you can ask anyone about that, this isn't me. Thats why I hate the way I am even more, which in turn only worsens it. It seems the symbol of myself, a spiral, now only represents one going down.
Mayhaps if I could just remain in an alcohol induced stupor, I would be happy again, dulling all the pain with a wonderful chemical cocktail or what have you. Just left to remain in my own spinning world, Hell, I guess its true you cannot see the gallows if you're spinning the whole way there.
I know some of you will be reading this, concerned for my safety, but you can relax. I'm not /that/ desperate to be free of sadness at any and all costs. This is me venting my feelings to you all without having someone try to give me a hug or something, which honestly, at this point might just make me snap.
Christ, already done with half a pack today, breaking into the other half now. Maybe thats another reason I'm unable to sleep, all that nicotine rushing through my veins, not even giving me a break via slumber. Or maybe I'm just seeking to punish myself somehow, Choking out my lungs with the same exact thing that killed my mother. Wish I didn't have work in a few hours or I might as well just be drinking my body weight in some strong liquor, but hell, I'm so stingy I don't want to drink anymore of the Jameson I have. As far as I'm concerned, that stuff is for happy times only.
Yea, thats what I'd enjoy right about now is a big bottle of vodka, maybe polish off half of it in an hour. Pass out drunk and sick, wake up with a headache, see if that doesn't give me amnesia.
But yea, Again, to anyone worried about me, just don't. It's not worth your time, This should just be a passing thing.
I sincerely hope it is.
|Friday, May 15th, 2009|
|Friday, February 27th, 2009|
|I am BEYOND nauseated
I cannot believe that This happened.
and Baka I appologize now for not keeping better track of it..
Last night my sister pretty much ransacked my room, taking various small objects, and some VERY attached ones as well. Including my class ring...and also, the green claddagh ring tha baka got me...
This has crushed me more than ever....and I will not stand for this, I am adding this in the police report..and I do sincerely hope that they catch her with this shit..
again, I'm so sorry Baka... Current Mood: crushed
|Tuesday, February 17th, 2009|
Great, I'm sick again JUST when i was able to go back to class. This is ridiculous, I was JUST treated for an infection....WTF.
I'm shivering yet I'm so damn hot...a little dizzy and my vision is all hazy...blerf..thinkin of goin out to 7-11 for som,e more oj and maybe some kinda cold meds Current Mood: sick
|Thursday, February 5th, 2009|
|Well thats great news !
And no the title isn't sarcasm. Had my car towed down to My local mechanic, And had not just the tire fixed, but, and get ready for this. My oil changed, New bulbs, And a brand new NYS motor cehicle inspection. all for under 99.99....
WOW! God damn o.O Current Mood: chipper
|Well, Fuck you winter
Well I really didn't want to use my only emergency personal day for the whole damned year today, but Considering that I temporarily have no car today, I cannot see another course of action. Wake up, get shaved and showered, ready to start a day. Maybe it was cause I didn't eat my wheaties this morning, but anyway. I go out to the car, starts up fine, engines good. I let it warm up. Time comes for me to start driving, And when I begin to do my usual 3 point turn, something is...off... So, I jump out, and wouldn't yanno it, I have a flat... peachy. But atleast treatable. I call in, tell im I'll be late, an hour tops. However I should have taken note that my spare tire , which was not bolted down in any way in the trunk of my car. WAS FROZEN into it, and I had to tug and wedge it out of its WINTER LOCK OF FUCK.
Again, I'll state that I should have noted this phenomena more than I did, because once I loosened the lugs and lifted the car, hey, whaddya know.
THE FUCKING TIRE IS FROZEN ONTO MY AXEL!!!!
So, here I am, Relaxing for the moment until I call the tow truck....
peachy Current Mood: aggravated
|Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008|
|hmm, ooh should I?
haha, it appears that my dojo is going to be having a holiday party soon enough. infact i only have 2 hours to think this over. But when i called today to check with Renshi Frank, He also had a proposition for me. For the party, they need a santa claus. And guess who he asked to be a friggin ninja santa claus.
Go on, ponder it long and hard, cause the answer is me O.o
I actually had to choke a chuckle back and start thinking it over, cause he offered 100 bucks to do it for just 1.5 hours...
yeah thats right 66.66 an hour XD
I'm goin towards yes, prolly gonna do it, but whaddya think of me as a NINJA SANTA!!
Ok, maybeh i won't be wearing a ninja suit, just the santa suit. BUT, it's a ninja inside! Current Mood: bouncy
|Friday, October 10th, 2008|
|What the fuck?
Allright, she is staying the fuck out of this house now. I'm sick and tired of this bullshit.
apparently she knocked herself out with Benadryl, so we called 911, and had her carted to the hospital. I implored them to psych Eval her, And I am hoping beyond hope that This Stay away order of protection holds firm long enough to keep her the fuck out of here.
I am only hoping that I and my father can take a break from this bullshit Current Mood: blank
|Tuesday, October 7th, 2008|
|Whats wrong with me?
I seriously just feel like crap lately. I mean, at th furmeet I was happy and everything, I was glad to be around friends. But just..as soon as I got home...it just all vanished in a puff of smoke, all that happiness. Idunno why I just cannot stay happy anymore...
I think I might be getting a case of clinical deoression Current Mood: depressed
|Thursday, October 2nd, 2008|
Honestly, Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished for something I did?
I can't sleep at all, and I have work in a bit...My head is friggin killin me and my nose is stuffed.
I fuckin hate this month already
|Wednesday, October 1st, 2008|
Well, today, has not been good, not at all.
And the only major real reason for this is the fact that I happened to find my sister, face down on the floor, half naked. it took some shakes to wake her up, but it was obvious to me, that she has infact, gone back to drugs...
I do not know what in the world she took, but she is drugged up again apparently...
And the worst thing yes is the fact that I also have work tomorrow...and Both my father and I will be gone from the house for long hours. I'm sincerely considering calling in a personal day. and I cannot go to the furmeet this saturday, I feel if i leave this house she is going to do someting incredibly stupid to either my fathers or my stuff. or just the whole damn house....
I feel so damned alone right now...Not to mention betrayed
EDIT: apparently the transmitter was in the trunk, for some weird reason, i know i did not put it there Current Mood: depressed
|Sunday, September 14th, 2008|
What Gadas Means
You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.
You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.
Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.
You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.
You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.
You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.
People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.
You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.
Well gee, Don't I feel humble >.>
BOW TO MEEEEEE! Current Mood: chipper
|Wednesday, August 27th, 2008|
I sometimes simply cannot understand people sometimes and why they do certain things. I have gotten fed up with one certain person today, someone I used to have a crush on, But he got a local bf, then we kept it as friends, and then all of a sudden started to ignore me. No warnings, No reasons, just silence. This has happened to me before, oh yes, and it still hurts to this day. And now I have another one of these situations. So pretty much I lfet him a message telling him to, "not worry, he won't be hering from me again." and no, not the , 'I'm gonna do something incredibly stupid' option. That ain't my cup of tea
Instead I just told him to have a great life with his BF, Hope he gets through college allright, dunno why he did this, that kinda crap. And then afterwards erased him from all my contacts, hey, it's what he wants right?
So again i€ must reitierate...
Why, why, WHY do some people make this an option? When there is no reason. Current Mood: melancholy
|Saturday, August 2nd, 2008|
|lonely while Corraling crazies! o.o; and another journal from yours truly
Ever had a case of lonelyness which can only be allieved by a certain kind of person? Yea, I know that feelin well enough.
Other than that though, maan, I tell ya that my job can get interesting fast as all heck. i go down to 1 North, our prime psych unit, from my own floor. Just to get some papers copied and drop some stuff off, and also get some other supplies. (I 'borrow' from them fequently ^^) and while I was down there, all of a sudden one of the female patients comes barrelling into the nurses station looking like she wants to deck their unit clerk for the day o.o
Twas rather quick, so pretty much me and a few other staff members had to restrain her and rag her off to the isolation room, and even in there she was goin batshit, think she was trying to swing at the charge nurse . (He's a big guy, like, BIG. kinda big.) But other than that..
Managed to hold the BBQ there without much incidence, thank god too, cause i was mostly on my own from 3E. Sure there were others in the room too, but twas one short than I'm used to.
OH! Before I forget, I'm happy to say I'm back in Ninjutsu, starting back at yellow belt green stripe ^^. Gives me some more stuff to keep my mind active while i plan for college and various other stuffs.
But damn, if this lonelyness isn't eatin away at me, it's a small concern considering other shtuff as well.
Furthermore, it looks like the case against me is being thrown out of court XD Haha, that dumb bitch thought she could try and squeeze desert sand to get water. So thats atleast one less thing to worry about in my life.
Hrrmm, what else..
OH! apparently my father is looking to go back into school at the young age of 60 o.o;;; apparently to get some extra money. And another huge fuckin surprise is, he's perfectly healthy o.o;;;
It made me do a double take, His heart, lungs, and cholesterol are all pretty damn good. I guess I'll hafta put up with him a while longer, damn (JOKE)
So thats another journal from me, I should remember to do these more often Current Mood: busy
|Tuesday, July 1st, 2008|
Well, it appears I'm not gonna be takin any vacations again for a while.
Remember that accident in oct? The one I was somehow found at fault for.
Well they want even more money, and are suing me and my father, who appears to believe yet again it is my fault, like i chose to have her car slam into mine.
I find it...particularly sad, that I feel like appologizing for not having my spine broken in the accident and killed. Current Mood: sick